Doing, Being and The Jewish New Year

 

I got a message a few weeks ago from My “Higher Self”, “Divine Wisdom” –these are different names for the same essence, in my opinion.

The message I received: “There is something beyond doing,  it is being. There is something beyond being, that is silence”.

We are human beings not human doings, is something I have thought about over many years, silence is the new piece to this equation. I dare say the majority of us in American society have been or still are addicted to doing.   Through being in silence, doing with with intention , and calm is made possible. Meditation is an important way my mind can rest. Meditation teaches the value of being. Doing is necessary but being is its foundation.

The Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashana) begins on Sunday night. The month proceeding it is the month of Elul which traditionally is a time of introspection in preparation for the new year.  I wanted to find out how to prepare myself better for this new year.  This profound video about the month of Elul confirmed my personal spiritual experience.

Here is more information Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur-The High Holy Days.

Shana Tova U’metuka-A good and sweet New Year to all that celebrate!

 

Majority Rules Do Not Apply

I discovered  that I put off writing this post not only for an exciting chapter that is beginning, that has taken concentrated, focused time, but also because I have high expectations for myself. I want to share my experiences to  help and inform. Somehow I think it has to be a completed piece of writing, pristinely presented, since that is how society conditions us in America, to be outstanding is the standard for it (or me) to be acceptable. I have not lived my life as part of a majority and have struggled to find my way. It is like I having  a flashing sign “Majority Rules” above my head as a cloud.  More and more I realize and accept the fact that I hate “majority rules.” So as a practice, I am learning that to go at my own slower pace  is also acceptable  now, to me and some others.  At 52, I have graduated to: “This who I am and I have confidence in that”. In psychology this is called having an internal locus of control . The positive feeling is internal and not measured or changed  external situations, MOST of the time. This is a huge shift for me, given the trauma I went through in my younger years.   And SO,  that is to say, posts in spurts, ARE okay!! 😀

Shabbat

Oh boy! this at this moment May 31, 7:27pm Just a little bit before the Shabbat Jewish Sabbath is beginning. Wanted to do a post for my May birthday month and this is a start. I have a lot of it formulated in my head, my pace seems to be about every 3-4 months. Will write after Shabbat.

Shabbat Greeting: “Shabbat Shalom”- (shabbath peace)

Reflections of a Tenacious Light

Happy 2019!  Thank you to all my loyal readers and subscribers and new ones as well. I am truly humbled!

This past year and a half  was a mix exhilaration and excrutiating emotional pain. Part of this entry was difficult to write, because it is quite detailed and vulnerable. The purpose of sharing my experiences here, and in this blog in general, is to educate in order to reduce stigma, help create a broader understanding and help people feel supported in their own life journey.

On January 5, 2018 I became a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Worker!! It was a extremely long, personal journey and lifelong goal realized!! Every portion of this process took me extra time, and determination due to how Cerebral Palsy (CP) affects me specifically. Everyone with CP manifests differently. It takes me a little longer to process information; my leg muscles are working constantly due to spasticity, which causes fatigue and some mild to moderate chronic pain. It took me a total of eight years to  complete: 3,200 hours of post-graduate clinical which means being a psychotherapist in training and seeing many clients with a variety of concerns. I passed a 75-question Law and Ethics exam after the second attempt, including three to four months of study between tests. It is requirement to wait 90 days between exams. I was then required to pass a 175-question Clinical Exam which I passed on the first try with a score which was six points past the required passing score!

Then, on January 24, 2018, I went into a severe depression that lasted 8 months with multiple  medication changes and painfully difficult periods of trial and error. I Also had an insurance and doctor change and my first ever, five-day voluntary hospital stay in May. I decided to enter the hospital because I was extremely depressed and anxious, eating very little and scared to be alone. I have dealt with Major Depressive  Disorder for my entire adult life which manifest because emotional abuse in childhood.

My hospital experience  was good in some ways and not good in others.  It was good not to have to think about food preparation and have a little social interation.  Also, I  had follow-up with a brilliant, informative, compassionate and  supportive psychiatrist. She started me on a  different medication combination than in the hospital, that has brought me back to feeling closely like myself again. I now traveI a distance using  Access Services . It is a full day there and back, and  worth it to get much superior care.

The hardest thing about it was a loss of my independence due to safety precautions because I use a wheelchair. I had to get permission to use it because it had a seatbeat (which staff thought I could use to hurt myself). Also, my crutches were locked up until I wanted to use them because ” they could be used as weapons”. I wasn’t  allowed to wear shoelaces, have access to my own phone, or even get out of my bed independently. A loud alarm on the bed  sounded when I tried! I do understand the need for these regulations but that was the hardest to bear. It only added to my stress. I did meet a some friendly people and staff that made my time a little more bearable. I am thankful for my time in the hospital mostly because I was able to get care from a new doctor in new medical system.

I am sure the depressive episode was triggered by anxiety over the steps it would take to create a future that works for me, that requires me taking into account my individual needs related to retaining vital governmental provided services to live as  indepently as possible, as well as financial assistance. It is a difficult, detailed process that was initially very daunting for me. The process and rules are different for all people with disabilities and depends especially on whether or not the person can work full-time, what services they need. I attempted to work full-time staight out of graduate school. However, I quickly discovered the toll it took on my body. I am slowly and steadily getting closer to a goal/solution.

It takes a tremendous amount of tenacity to live my life in general, which may be a truth for some of you. That’s why I entitled this blog “Tenacious Light”.  No matter what I go through there is a strong life force that sustains me, even if I cant feel it at the time!  For example, when I was in the throws of longest my depression to date, I truly felt as if I had lost all hope of getting my “happy brain” back. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to use my clinical skills as a psychotherapist, something I worked so long and hard to do. I felt like two distinct people. I knew I didn’t want to die; I just didn’t want to experience my excrutiating psychological pain anymore, in my experience, psychological pain is so much harder to deal wth than phyical pain! I was so angry at  being extremely depressed for so long!!

No external, usual words from loved ones could soothe me. I realized the anger was not going away. I repeated to myself  just breathe and eat and drink a little when you can, that is enough! After my most severe depression did eventually pass, I discovered my very breath was my hope, faith, my “Tenacious Light”  deep inside, that is ever-present. I personally define it as the presence of the “Divine”. May we all continue to nurture  ourselves with our own tenacious lights and, in doing so, radiate out to others in our own ways and at our own pace.

Hello Again and Father’s Day Ache

Hello Again!! Thank you for your patience, and for so many new subscribers in my absence. I am so happy to see you! Feel free to comment if you like.  I LOVE Comments. I was meaning to post in April. Still working on that one!!  “Life happens while we’re making other plans,” to paraphrase John Lennon.

It was Father’s Day today and I have a father I DO NOT want to remember. Wish I could shake from my psyche once and for all, the remnants of the severe, excruciating emotional abuse I suffered because of him for so many years- too many years, throughout my childhood: especially adolescence and young adult years. HE stopped communicating with ME about thirty years ago.  I was just reminded that this was the case because I stood up to him  and defied him. He was clearly asking me NOT to do something for the sake of his own ego. I was fed up with dealing with his abusive, irrational manipulations. Going into more detail than this still upsets me and is not necessary to make the point that: My father is the most narcissistic person I have known personally or professionally. He clearly has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I deeply believe that people like this cannot truly love anyone.

I have made a  good life for myself in spite of his ugliness. I am deeply fortunate that the rest of my family is loving and supportive. I have had and have many good men in my life who soften this ache.  I am now actively working in my own psychotherapy to clear the cobwebs in my head away, specifically around romantic relationships with men.  It has taken me many, many years to  have the courage to discuss the subject, let alone find the “right-fit” therapist to help me do it! I realize now, it is not a relationship I fear so much as the dating process: rejection, bordem, superficiality, frustration,”Will it ever happen”. My tolerance for the unknown has increased slowly, and is still.

FIND good men, BE good men. And please NEVER UNDERESTIMATE the positive and negative affects of your behavior and words on your children. Happy  Belated Father’s Day to all the good men who bring joy, soothe pain, and do what is right!

Just Start…Writing and Laughing!

cropped-cropped-FB_IMG_1444343580728.jpgStarting from where I am right now. You can take some of what I say and leave the rest, if you choose.  These are my thoughts that come from my experiences and innate beliefs. If I help someone, just a little bit by what I share on my blog, I have succeeded. I am an open-minded person who loves learning new things but HATES debating. I am starting where I am right now, not necessarily at the beginning. I am overdue for a post anyway.
          I’ve never been good at putting things in order, especially my thoughts…I just  START though. This will mostly be a “messy” post/ blog in general.  Typos have already happened. I am a fairly good editor but not spotless. I correct as I see additional mistakes over time.
      I am not a linear thinker. I am a right brain, process oriented person.  Loose-ended thoughts will happen, they are bound to happen. “Themes will emerge over time”, I learned that years ago in my own psychotherapy. So, I will develop  some ideas further in separate posts.  Just last week my new therapist said to me: “Just start, the important stuff will come out!”
           I was thinking of beginning by telling you when I came up with a my blog name “tenaciouslight”. That specific experience doesn’t seem as important at this as what I’m going through right now. I will get to that in another post and it is just a specific example of the broader idea. I think my whole life though is an example of being tenacious light. I feel Everything deeply, my Joy and Pain. I  work with any goal/ life-situation  for the long-term until a resolution comes no matter what gets in the way during the process!  Sometimes that resolution is not under my “control” but sometimes it is. I do believe that Everything, Everything  happens for a good reason whether I understand it right now or not. And I truly believe in free will but the ultimate outcome, I believe comes, from a Divine Source.
          On 9/11, I struggled with a lot of anxiety. Not only were there memories from that horrible day but I have anxiety about really starting to study for my LCSW license test again. This 9/11 remembrance hit me harder than previous years. When Sept. 11, 2001 happened I had just turned in my thesis and graduated with my Master in Social Work degree a few weeks earlier. Now, I am approaching the culmination of over ten years of hard work with this test, which is only one of two I must pass, to be a licensed therapist.This will be my second time taking  this exam. I missed passing by four points in June. What is an LCSW?
            I was just locked up and I’ve been that way for a few weeks. My stomach was in knots I was dropping things and running things over with my wheelchair more than usual– I get really messy with stressed A big bookcase shelf came undone and spilled books… I put the shelf and books back slowly.                                I chatted on Facebook in extreme avoidance of studying. Planning is very hard for me. Especially a plan for studying over an extended period. My mom taught me that actions and plans cure anxiety, which they do to a certain extent provided I am not too anxious already to make them or follow them!  I also know planning  is harder for me than the average person without my learning difficulties caused by Cerebral Palsy (CP). More on how CP affects me in future post(s). I realized something profound:  Laughter cures anxiety even better!!!  Belly laughter loosens the body. My stomach was no longer tense. Laughter loosens the stress of life. I always knew laughter was a stress reliever. But this amount of relief surprised me! My laughter was a Surprise Loosener…! got two hours of studying done!!!
  I have been wanting to finish this post too. Writing does help with reduction of stress too. Specifically journal writing by hand gets the emotional energy flowing through the body for me. I think there have been studies on this. I am participating a writing workshop for women this Sunday where I will get my fill of that. Hershops are extraordinary!  Check them out here! 

I am so filled with gratitude to share myself with you! Please subscribe and/or Follow me on Facebook for updates. I will be thinking of all of you as I am studying too!

 …

Continue reading “Just Start…Writing and Laughing!”

About Me

FBWI2016

I am a seeker, a writer, a poet, a philosopher, an artist, a woman of faith I am deeply empathic, sensitive, analytical, resourceful and curious. My life is complicated, messy- with lots of baggage, heavy frustration; AND also full of deep joy, meaning, empathy, love and understanding.

I am a beloved daughter, sister, niece, aunt, cousin, friend, and “family member by choice” to some amazing people!

I am a person living with Cerebral Palsy from birth and thriving, I am a person who periodically suffers from severe Major Depression and mild Anxiety, I am premenopausal.

I am social worker, an advocate, a psychotherapist; I earned a BA in Psychology from CSU, Northridge and MSW from CSU, Long Beach. I have over six years Post-Graduate experience as an Associate Clinical Social Worker. I am a candidate to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. I am currently studying for the first of two test I need to pass to get my license.

A Short Introduction

I have been thinking about sharing my thoughts and ideas for many, many years. I hope to inspire, encourage and elevate others as I share some of my life experiences and lessons learned.  As my blog unfolds, I hope you enjoy it and will share your comments and questions with me. I am really excited about this (and really exhausted right now from working on this). I will conclude by saying, recently I have been able to describe themes of my life which are Love, Kindness, Tenacity and Faith, everything else flows from these. More will be revealed…