Happy 2019! Thank you to all my loyal readers and subscribers and new ones as well. I am truly humbled!
This past year and a half was a mix exhilaration and excrutiating emotional pain. Part of this entry was difficult to write, because it is quite detailed and vulnerable. The purpose of sharing my experiences here, and in this blog in general, is to educate in order to reduce stigma, help create a broader understanding and help people feel supported in their own life journey.
On January 5, 2018 I became a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Worker!! It was a extremely long, personal journey and lifelong goal realized!! Every portion of this process took me extra time, and determination due to how Cerebral Palsy (CP) affects me specifically. Everyone with CP manifests differently. It takes me a little longer to process information; my leg muscles are working constantly due to spasticity, which causes fatigue and some mild to moderate chronic pain. It took me a total of eight years to complete: 3,200 hours of post-graduate clinical which means being a psychotherapist in training and seeing many clients with a variety of concerns. I passed a 75-question Law and Ethics exam after the second attempt, including three to four months of study between tests. It is requirement to wait 90 days between exams. I was then required to pass a 175-question Clinical Exam which I passed on the first try with a score which was six points past the required passing score!
Then, on January 24, 2018, I went into a severe depression that lasted 8 months with multiple medication changes and painfully difficult periods of trial and error. I Also had an insurance and doctor change and my first ever, five-day voluntary hospital stay in May. I decided to enter the hospital because I was extremely depressed and anxious, eating very little and scared to be alone. I have dealt with Major Depressive Disorder for my entire adult life which manifest because emotional abuse in childhood.
My hospital experience was good in some ways and not good in others. It was good not to have to think about food preparation and have a little social interation. Also, I had follow-up with a brilliant, informative, compassionate and supportive psychiatrist. She started me on a different medication combination than in the hospital, that has brought me back to feeling closely like myself again. I now traveI a distance using Access Services . It is a full day there and back, and worth it to get much superior care.
The hardest thing about it was a loss of my independence due to safety precautions because I use a wheelchair. I had to get permission to use it because it had a seatbeat (which staff thought I could use to hurt myself). Also, my crutches were locked up until I wanted to use them because ” they could be used as weapons”. I wasn’t allowed to wear shoelaces, have access to my own phone, or even get out of my bed independently. A loud alarm on the bed sounded when I tried! I do understand the need for these regulations but that was the hardest to bear. It only added to my stress. I did meet a some friendly people and staff that made my time a little more bearable. I am thankful for my time in the hospital mostly because I was able to get care from a new doctor in new medical system.
I am sure the depressive episode was triggered by anxiety over the steps it would take to create a future that works for me, that requires me taking into account my individual needs related to retaining vital governmental provided services to live as indepently as possible, as well as financial assistance. It is a difficult, detailed process that was initially very daunting for me. The process and rules are different for all people with disabilities and depends especially on whether or not the person can work full-time, what services they need. I attempted to work full-time staight out of graduate school. However, I quickly discovered the toll it took on my body. I am slowly and steadily getting closer to a goal/solution.
It takes a tremendous amount of tenacity to live my life in general, which may be a truth for some of you. That’s why I entitled this blog “Tenacious Light”. No matter what I go through there is a strong life force that sustains me, even if I cant feel it at the time! For example, when I was in the throws of longest my depression to date, I truly felt as if I had lost all hope of getting my “happy brain” back. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to use my clinical skills as a psychotherapist, something I worked so long and hard to do. I felt like two distinct people. I knew I didn’t want to die; I just didn’t want to experience my excrutiating psychological pain anymore, in my experience, psychological pain is so much harder to deal wth than phyical pain! I was so angry at being extremely depressed for so long!!
No external, usual words from loved ones could soothe me. I realized the anger was not going away. I repeated to myself just breathe and eat and drink a little when you can, that is enough! After my most severe depression did eventually pass, I discovered my very breath was my hope, faith, my “Tenacious Light” deep inside, that is ever-present. I personally define it as the presence of the “Divine”. May we all continue to nurture ourselves with our own tenacious lights and, in doing so, radiate out to others in our own ways and at our own pace.